Mum: Why is your room always so messy?
Me: So that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they'll trip over something and die.
Kids at my school: I like to smoke weed and get high and I also like to smoke cigarettes.
Me: Sometimes when it's cold, I like to breathe really heavy and pretend i'm a dragon.
Mom: I’m going now, I want the house clean when...
ilikecatsbutnotobsessively: You: Yeah, sure thing. Next hour and a half… And then your mom calls to say she’ll be home in 15 minutes…
-makemesmile: roses are red violets are blue sunflowers are yellow i bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just gardening facts
Friend: Oh my god I read a book once that had a sex scene in it was so weird.
Friend: Have you ever read anything like that?
Me: No ew that's gross what sort of disgusting human being do you think I am how dare you accuse me of such a thing.